On Pregnancy, Motherhood and Life

I don't know if it's because im pregnant and my hormones are nothing but a raging river right now but lately I have been reflecting and thinking about everything. Maybe some things I am overly thinking on. Maybe some things it's actually the hormones thinking and not my actual mind, although in any case these thoughts rush through me day to day just as fast as that raging river of hormones does day in and day out.

On Pregnancy

I have been learning to accept more. Accept what is and what will be. Like coming home, kicking off my shoes after a long day only to notice my kankles are now more then just kankles but more like thankles {ya I kinda made that one up. Thighs + Ankles = Thankles... ya im good like that}.

I have come to accept that these days I can't move as fast as I could 6 months ago or do some of the things I could do 7 months ago. I have slowly learned to accept that I can't just do a 1hr+ hardcore cardio workout session but instead replace said workout with a walking in place w/arms powering back and fourth next to me... type of workout.

I have learned that no matter how bad I eat or how good I eat I will still gain weight. I will still get fluffy and I will still have my mornings where I wake up feeling all good and what not only to feel like an over bloated puffer fish come the end of the day.

I have learned to accept that some people see me as a target. The 'Oh look a pregnant girl!' and they think it's all safe to assume they can say whatever they want to me about how big my belly is or how reminding me to 'double check' to make sure there is only just one baby in there {heh}. That anything they wouldn't normally say to a non-pregnant girl, they can now say to the pregnant girl... no strings attached.

On Motherhood

I am a working mom. I am not ashamed to be a full time working mom, nor does that mean I am any less of a mother then a mom who stays home. Both jobs, whether it be out of the home or at home taking care of the children/house, are hard and have their stresses. Just as much as a mom who stays home has stress day to day, I too come home with stress, it may not be the same kind of stress, but it is stress none the less and one stressor does and should not out way the other. Stress is stress, no matter how you look at it. I have been judged many a time for going to work but in the end it's no ones business why any mom stays home or goes to work. We are all moms and we all do what we have to do for our family. To help our family.

Some people assume that my job is my 'career' and I am some career driven woman who wants nothing more then to reach higher and higher up the career ladder. Trust me... my job is just that... my job. Do I enjoy it? Eh... sometimes. I like the people I work with and get along with everyone and know that what I do helps the 'team', however my job is not my career. Some day I will be the stay at home mom all the while going to school to further my own education but in the mean time I am a mom who works. It doesn't mean I don't love my child{ren} any less. I love my child{ren} with everything I have and strive to be the best mother I could possibly be for them, whether I am working during the day or when the day comes I will be home during the day. My love for them will never change.

On Life

Lastly, I might not have the perfect life to some but it's perfect enough for me. I try to live each day as it comes, taking in everything. One breath, one sight, one smell... at a time. Over the years I have struggled with my time. Have struggled between work, daily house chores, deadlines, blogging, Etsy... but you know what? I am totally okay with that. I do what I can and slowly I am learning to just relax. To take it all in, one day at a time. If there are some dishes in the sink, so be it. Clothes that need to be folded and put away?... Ah, ill get to it later. The dogs need a bath? ...Well until they get one they can stay outside {kidding!}.

Basically what I am trying to say is, over the years I have become so worked up on things. Things that need to be done whether it be work related or home related or maybe even family related. Because I become so worked up I feel as though I stand in front of this large pile of 'things to do' and I shut down. I do. I just shut down. I brush everything aside and just wait. I wait it out.

Even the simple things like this blog. Between life events and trying to keep up with my Etsy, I shut it all down. Not literally of course but emotionally. I shut down my creative energies. I shut down my thoughts and in turn my Etsy stopped, my blog stopped, my photography stopped. I stopped.

I am learning though. That big pile in front of me is starting to diminish. I can feel a breath of fresh air {although these days it can be a bit hard to breath ..literally.. ha!}. I feel my creative energy slowly going back up. My inspiration. My thoughts. Everything is slowly going back up and with each step it rises, I learn. I learn from it and I learn to just take everything in, each day. One at a time and enjoy every moment I experience. Every person I may encounter. Every sight, sound and color I see. Every day I am learning to not shut down but to just stop. Take a deep breath and just let it all in. Open my eyes back up and smile at the world around me.

Happiness, Family and Creativity

I never really talked about my outlook for 2012 or talked about goals and wishes, hopes or dreams.... or anything else that falls into that category. Or maybe I did talk about this stuff and I just don't remember talking about it. Im pretty sure I really didn't though.

I really see this year being a positive year for us. I mean every year is positive in it's own way but when I say positive I mean in all aspects. I feel already that 2012 is starting off on the right foot even though we really haven't done anything to really even make an impact for it to feel any different then it did just last month.

{ source }

I tend to think im a happy person, well for the most part I am a happy person. I am a libra after all and libras are generally happy 101% of the time. Although sometimes I stress myself out. If im in a situation that has nothing but negative energy, I stress and I stress hard. 

This is all to true for me when it comes to my career. Sometimes there tends to be a bit of negative energy within the workspace amongst other workers and I feel like im always stuck in the middle, or feeling as though I should 'take sides'. 

Not anymore. Im going keep on being my happy self and leave those negative energies {and negative people} out of my positive HAPPY energy bubble. I got whats most important in life and that's my family and the things I enjoy doing in life. It makes me happy and those negative energies will not break that or take that away from me.

Experience more that this life has to offer.

I want to make more trips to the beach this summer. More pool parties and BBQ's in our very own backyard... even if we have no one to invite. To pack a nice big lunch for all 4 of us {can't forget Lola} and have a really fun picnic in the park. 

I want to create traditions. 

This weekend after another trip to the beach, I proclaimed that we should make it a tradition to collect seashells every time we go. To go and buy a very large glass jar/canister and put the shells in that jar after every trip.

I want to make it a tradition to have fun. To experience life. To live life.

{ source }

To let myself be as creative as my little heart desires. No holding back. 

The past few nights I have been working on sketches and it has made me really warm and fuzzy. I feel like my thoughts and happiness are being transforms out onto paper or canvas and being filled with color. Like im bringing my happy thoughts to life. 

I have good vibes for 2012 when it comes to my creativeness and really looking forward for everything to fall into place. -soon, very soon. 

So those are my main 'goals' for 2012. 

Happiness, family and creativity. Its already a given family makes me happy and when im happy my creativity just comes along like second nature. All 3 combined will make for a very good year.

And I hope all of you have a very good year as well :)

Happy

Today is going to be a good day.

I mean after all... its almost the weekend

last night I made 115 cake balls for a fundraiser that Josh's work is having.

they are currently sitting in the fridge waiting to be coated with some yummy chocolate and fun colorful sprinkles.

today I might even bring my book to work and read on my lunch break in this wonderful fall weather we are having.

..oh how I have neglected you {I have read half way through already, must read before the movie is released to DVD}.

I am feeling happy again. Slowly but surely. the storm is starting to pass and I realize that I do things for me and for my family. it makes me happy.

this past week I have also started putting more autumn/halloween decor up around the house.

i feel festive when im happy :)

with all that said I hope each and every one of you have a happy and wonderful fall day. 

all images found via pinterest

 

Libra

September has been a hard month for me. work has been weighing down on me. not the work itself but the people right along side me.

if its one thing I learned in the military, its we are a team. everyone is a team and we work together. now that I am a civilian I truly miss that sense of team and encouragement. its gone. i have ever before seen just how much it has gone then in September.

September made realize who I am as a person and to search deep down within myself.

 via

I turned to my mythological sign. Libra.

I am reading about who a libra really is and I a can't help but hold back the tears.

Libra Deep Inside:

They are also likely to hide or bend their own true feelings in order to bring peace with a group and to make others like them. Sometime this results in them not really knowing what their true feelings are because they are trying to make everyone happy. Other people can see this and Libras have earned themselves a reputation for being indecisive, they simply do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause disorder or friction in a situation. This spills over inside the person and many times, Libras have difficulty making decisions. Inside, the Libra is very insecure, they suffer from a lack of self confidence, they are always searching for something to complete them. This is another reason why they are social butterflies, it is an unconscious attempt to find the missing peace through other people. By trying to appease other people all the time, Libras don't really know who they are inside. Libras desperately need love and approval, they will do the favors that people ask and and have a hard time saying 'no' or 'I'm too busy' in order to prove how nice they are, this gradually builds up resentment and negative self esteem issues inside. Libra's indecisiveness is caused by fear, their fear that a wrong decision will make everything come crashing down around them and cause turmoil in their lives. Life is not like that and the Libra that acknowledges the fact that life has ups and downs will be less emotionally wound up, not so hard on themselves and as a result, they will be a much happier person. 

found here


I can't help but not cry because this is exactly how I have been feeling. this is who I am and to read it out like this brings chills down my spine. its like someone has been watching me and waiting for me to find this and to read it and to realize just how very right it is.

September I was trying my hardest to be the peacemaker. to try and get along with everyone. I was constantly feeling as though I was stuck in the middle and being pulled one direction and then into another direction. it has been extremely hard for me to stand up for my own right because, just like the phrase above states, I am constantly afraid that with the wrong decision, no matter how much I feel it's right deep down within myself, that decision will come crashing down around me and cause turmoil in my life.

 via

I have been searching for something to complete me. a change.

I am stale right now. I am weak. I am tired.

No longer will I hide behind my own fear of indecisiveness. I will stand my ground for me and for what I feel is right. no more will I be a puppet for someone elses amusement. no more will I be used for someone elses lack of laziness and no more will I allow them to throw me down because I do in fact, stand my ground, once and for all.

Its time to make a change. not only for the life around me, but for deep down within myself. to find my balance again. my inner peace and my inner happiness.

 via

I am so very thankful to have my little family because without them right now it would be nearly impossible. Josh and Jayden make me stronger everyday. in tough times they run through my mind. their faces, their beauty. I stand my ground for them.

for me. for us.

Dreamer

When we look back on life, what do we see? How do we feel? Are we happy about the things we have done and where we have been, or do we find sadness and regret in the things we should have done but didn't and the places we would have went but did not go?

via.

I am a firm believer in not thinking too far ahead into the future and living each day as it comes, however I am a dreamer. I dream, and I dream big. I have hopes and I have potential goals. My life is a sketchbook... a canvas and I am painting my way through and the colors I choose are what determine which path my life will take.

                via.

Sometimes I feel as though my soul is screaming deep within the depths of my body, as I start my day. The same way I start every single day. My life tends to feel as though it's on repeat, day in and day out, but know that I am very much content with that, however I try to find balance between it all to choose the colors that will direct me in a path that will satisfy my soul and hug my dreams into warmth and satisfaction.

via.

I am still young and some will say that I have my whole life ahead of me, however none of us truly know that. We wake up each day and live each day, thinking about that day, going about our daily activities and musings. What if that were our last day? I want to know that I have lived my days with everything I had. I want to know that I have lived my days by using up all of those bright and vast amounts of color to paint the canvas of my life.

via.

And most of all I want to know and ensure my family is living their daily lives with everything they have with all they can give. I want to know that my little boy will look back on his life and see a large canvas of color and imagination. Smiling with the realization that he has lived the dream.

♥

The dream of life.